A Mother’s Thoughts

My daughters teach me every day that it’s okay not to be perfect. I wake up daily wondering how to do more, talk more and be there more for them, even though they don’t ask for it. In my spinning mind, there’s always something more that I can, something more I should do, even if I had no inkling of what that “more” is. I’m not going to lie, it makes me wondering how good of a mother I can be if I never feel like I hit the mark.

But every day, my three beautiful girls still love me. Whether it’s through a silence hug or a smile at one of my uncool comments or even in an eye roll as I ask for the third time for something to be done, they accept me as I am – flaws and all. Even through all the imperfections and the gaps I feel like I need to fill constantly, those issues don’t seem to effect how they look at me.

What a beautiful gesture. It’s the reason why I won’t stop trying to be best mother to them even if perfection is truly impossible – which I know it probably is. I won’t stop striving for a life where I can focus more on them, than on a job. My passion for writing will lead me down avenues that will take me closer to them, soon than I know. I can feel it and the most importantly, I simply believe it.

I was once told that I was anointed to be a mother of girls, and today, and every Mother’s Day, that thought fills my soul. It is a blessing and I will never take it lightly. Thank you, God!

Happy Mother’s Day to all of you wonderful biological and non-biological mothers, grandmothers, aunts, and Godmothers out there. You were destined for your role. God and your kids believe in you, even when you don’t. Find peace in that today and enjoy the love.

One motherly love to you all!

DNC

My Literary Journey: Writing through devastation

Life soon started to spin out of control. Issues from finances, to relationships, to family conflicts, to grades soon deflected me once again from one of the things I loved most. And then it happened…

The day after Christmas I left my hometown going back to school in order to pick up my last paycheck from Victoria’s Secret. As I stepped out of the store, meeting back up with my boyfriend, I saw and felt a mood shift in him. He grabbed my hand and told me to call my mom’s phone. I kept asking him “why” and he just kept saying that something happened. I asked “liked what” but emotions started to take over him so I just called, still hoping that his reaction was an overreaction to whatever situation it was. I called the phone and my Auntie picked up. As I got in the car I heard “She’s gone” but I didn’t understand.

“What do you mean, like traveling or what?” As dumb as that question may sound now, it was truly my first thought. Never did I think that on December 26, 2006, months before her 50th birthday and months after my graduation from college that I would be hearing that my mother, my best friend, my supporter, my disciplinarian, my rock was taken from me suddenly. I was devastated. The pain that I felt could never be described. The confusion that I felt cause me many periods of breakdowns and blackouts. The seconds, minutes, hours, days and weeks that follow are pretty lost to me now. I can remember family and friends calling and coming to comfort me but no one could understand what I was going through. I was lost. Even with everyone around me, I felt alone and scared.

As months passed I feel into a deep depression. I gained weight, felt negative about everything and everyone around me. I’m not proud to say this but I tried to take my life several times. On my last attempt my boyfriend, and now husband, rescued me and spoke words into me that has stayed with me ever since — “We need you!”

Never once had I every thought about that. I needed my mother and she was now gone so I felt I had no other reason to live. But I did. I had many reasons to live; beautiful children that I was helping to raise, family and framily that I needed to be there for as much as they were there for me, and a passion that I had yet to really attack.

My best friend sent me a package for my birthday. It was a basket of spa items along with a notebook and pen. I opened that card to read “Write it down. Write everything that your feeling down. Get it out and it will make you feel so much better.”

And she was right. A year passed and even though I was still mourning my mother, I was now getting back to my basics – writing and creating.

My life went through several more lows but even more highs and through it all I kept writing. And so here I am today ready to share my literary journey with the world.

I’m only a few months away from releasing my first book and I want to share with you my writing process and maybe it will inspire you or maybe you can join the conversation and inspire others. Let the journey begin!